The Married and the Single

Admonition 28. Those who are bound in marriage and those who are free from the ties of marriage are to be admonished differently. Those who are bound in marriage are to be admonished that, while they look after each other’s good, both of them should take care to please their spouses in such a way as not to displease their Maker; to manage the things of this world in such a way as still not to stop desiring the things of God; to rejoice in present good in such a way as still to fear eternal evil with earnest concern; and to grieve over the evils of time in such a way as still to fix their hope, with full comfort, on everlasting good. Then, knowing that what they are busy with passes away, but what they desire lasts, they will neither have their heart broken by the evils of the world, while it is strengthened by the hope of heavenly good, nor be deceived by the good things of the present life, while they are saddened by the evils they fear from the judgment to come. So the mind of married Christians is both weak and steadfast: it cannot fully despise all the things of time, and yet it can join itself in desire to the things of eternity. Though for now it lies low in the delights of the flesh, let it grow strong in the refreshment of heavenly hope. If it has the things of the world to serve it on its journey, let it hope for the things of God as the fruit of its journey’s end. And let it not give itself entirely to what it is busy with now, or it will fall utterly from what it ought steadfastly to hope for. Paul expresses this well and briefly, saying, “Those who have wives, as though they had none; and those who weep, as though they did not weep; and those who rejoice, as though they did not rejoice.” A man has a wife as though he had none when he enjoys the comfort of the flesh through her in such a way that love of her never turns him to evil deeds from the uprightness of a better aim. He has a wife as though he had none when, seeing that all things pass away, he bears the care of the flesh because he must, but looks forward with longing to the eternal joys of the spirit. Again, to weep as though we did not weep is to lament outward hardships in such a way that we still know how to rejoice in the comfort of eternal hope. And to rejoice as though we did not rejoice is to take heart from things below in such a way as never to stop fearing about the things above. In the same place, a little further on, he fittingly adds, “For the form of this world is passing away”; as if he had said plainly: Do not love the world as though it would last, since the world you love cannot itself last. In vain you fix your affections on it as though it would remain, when the very thing you love is fleeting. [a]

Husbands and wives are to be admonished to bear with mutual patience the things in which they sometimes displease each other, and to remedy them by mutual encouragement. For it is written, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so you will fulfill the law of Christ.” For the law of Christ is love, since from him it has generously given us its good things and has patiently borne our evil things. So we fulfill the law of Christ by imitation when we both kindly give our good things and dutifully bear the evil things of our friends. They are also to be admonished to pay attention, each of them, not so much to what they have to bear from the other as to what the other has to bear from them. For if a person considers what others bear from him, he bears more lightly what he endures from another.

Husbands and wives are to be admonished to remember that they are joined together for the sake of having children. And when they give themselves to intercourse beyond measure, and turn the occasion of having children into the service of pleasure, they are to consider that, though they do not go outside marriage, yet within marriage itself they go beyond what marriage rightly allows. So it is necessary that by frequent prayers they undo the stain they have brought, by the mixing in of pleasure, on the fair form of married union. That is why the apostle, skilled in heavenly medicine, did not so much lay down a way of life for the healthy as point out remedies to the weak when he said, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman; but because of sexual immorality let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” By putting first the fear of sexual immorality, he surely did not give a command to those who were standing, but pointed out a bed to those who were falling, so that they would not tumble to the ground. So to those who were still weak he added, “Let the husband give the wife what is due to her, and likewise the wife to the husband.” And while, in the most honorable state of marriage, he allowed them something of pleasure, he added, “But I say this by way of indulgence, not by way of command.” Now where indulgence is spoken of, a fault is implied; but one that is the more readily forgiven because it consists not in doing what is unlawful, but in not keeping what is lawful under control. [b]

Lot expresses this well in his own person when he flees from burning Sodom and yet, finding Zoar, still does not go up to the mountain heights. For to flee from burning Sodom is to avoid the unlawful fires of the flesh. But the height of the mountains is the purity of those who live in self-control. Or at least, those are as it were on the mountain who, though they cling to fleshly intercourse, still do not lose themselves loosely in the pleasure of the flesh beyond the proper union for having children. For to stand on the mountain is to seek nothing in the flesh but the fruit of having children. To stand on the mountain is not to cling to the flesh in a fleshly way. But there are many who do indeed give up the sins of the flesh, and yet, when placed in marriage, do not keep strictly to the claims of proper intercourse. So Lot did go out of Sodom, but did not at once reach the mountain heights; because a damnable life has already been left behind, but the height of self-control within marriage is still not fully reached. But midway there is the city of Zoar, to save the weak fugitive; because, that is, when married people come together even without self-control, they still avoid a fall into sin, and are still saved through mercy. For they find as it were a little city in which to be protected from the fire; since this married life is not indeed marvelous for virtue, but it is safe from punishment. That is why the same Lot says to the angel, “This city is near to flee to, and it is small, and I will be saved in it. Is it not a little one, and my soul will live in it?” So it is said to be near, and yet it is spoken of as a refuge of safety, since married life is neither far removed from the world nor yet a stranger to the joy of safety. But married people in this way of life keep their lives safe as in a small city when they intercede for each other with constant prayers. That is why the angel rightly says to the same Lot, “See, I have accepted your prayers in this matter also, that I will not overthrow the city for which you have spoken.” For in truth, when prayer is poured out to God, such a married life is by no means condemned. About this prayer Paul too admonishes, saying, “Do not deprive one another, except by consent for a time, so that you may give yourselves to prayer.”

But, on the other hand, those who are not bound by marriage are to be admonished to keep the heavenly commands all the more closely because no yoke of fleshly union bows them down to the cares of the world; that, since they are free from the lawful burden of marriage, the unlawful weight of earthly anxiety should by no means press them down; and that the last day should find them all the more prepared, the less encumbered it finds them. Otherwise, being free and able to do better things and yet neglecting them, they will for that very reason be found to deserve worse punishment. Let them hear how the apostle, when he wished to train certain people for the grace of celibacy, did not despise marriage but guarded against the worldly cares that are born of marriage, saying, “I say this for your own benefit, not to cast a snare upon you, but for what is fitting, and so that you may attend upon the Lord without hindrance.” For earthly anxieties come from marriage, and that is why the teacher of the Gentiles urged his hearers toward better things, so that they would not be bound by earthly anxiety. The man, then, who is single, but whom the hindrance of the cares of the world holds back, has still not escaped the burdens of marriage, though he has not put himself under marriage. [e]

The single are to be admonished not to think that they can have intercourse with unmarried women without incurring the judgment of condemnation. For when Paul placed the vice of sexual immorality among so many detestable crimes, he showed its guilt, saying, “Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate men, nor men who lie with men, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor robbers will possess the kingdom of God.” And again, “But God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers.” They are therefore to be admonished that, if they suffer the storms of temptation at risk to their safety, they should seek the harbor of marriage. For it is written, “It is better to marry than to burn.” They come to marriage without blame, in fact, provided only that they have not vowed better things. For whoever has set before himself the attainment of a greater good has made unlawful the lesser good that before was lawful. For it is written, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” So the one who has been set on a firmer purpose is convicted of looking back if he leaves the greater good and turns back to the least.