Germanus Worries About Our Promise

What are we doing? We see that we are caught in a great difficulty and are in a bad way. Reason itself and the life of the saints are plainly teaching us what is best for our progress in the spiritual life, and yet the promise we gave to the elders does not allow us to choose what is helpful. By the examples of such great men we might be formed for a more perfect life and aim, if the terms of our promise did not compel us to go back to the monastery at once. But if we go back there, we will never get another chance to come here again. And if we stay here and choose to carry out our wishes, what becomes of the good faith of the oath we know we gave our elders? We promised them a speedy return, so that we might be allowed to make a hasty round of the monasteries and saints of this province. [a]

In this turmoil we could not make up our minds what we ought to decide about the state of our salvation. We could only bear witness by our groans to how hard our situation was. We reproached ourselves for our bold presumption, and yet we hated the shame that was natural to us. Weighed down by it, we had found no other way to resist the pleas of those who held us back, against our own good and purpose, except by promising a speedy return. And we wept that we suffered under the fault of that shame of which it is said, “There is a shame that brings sin.”