Foul Talk and Table Manners

We must keep away from foul talk entirely, and shut the mouths of the people who go in for it — with a hard look, with a turned-away face, and with what we call making a face at someone; often, too, with a sharper word. “What comes out of the mouth,” he says, “defiles a person” — that is, it shows him to be unclean, pagan, untrained, and unrestrained: not choice, not decent, not honorable, not self-controlled. [a]

The same rule holds for hearing and for seeing, wherever the thing is obscene, and the divine Instructor takes the same course with both. He fits out the children who are in the contest with words of modesty, worn as ear-guards, so that the blow of sexual immorality cannot get through and bruise the soul; and he turns their eyes toward the sight of what is honorable, saying that it is better to make a slip with your feet than with your eyes. The apostle beats this foul talk away: “Let no rotten word come out of your mouth, but only what is good.” And again: “As is fitting for holy people, let filthiness not even be named among you, nor foolish talk, nor coarse joking, which are all out of place — but thanksgiving instead.” And if the man who calls his brother a fool is in danger of the judgment, what are we to say about the man who talks foolishness? Is it not written about people like that, “Whoever speaks an idle word will give an account for it to the Lord on the day of judgment”? And again, “By your speech you will be counted righteous, and by your speech you will be condemned.” What, then, are the ear-guards that keep us safe, and what are the rules for slippery eyes? Conversation with people who do what is right — talk that reaches the ears first and arms them in advance against anyone who would lead them away from the truth.

“Bad company ruins good character,” says Poetry. The apostle puts it more nobly: “Hate what is evil; hold fast to what is good.” For whoever keeps company with holy people will be made holy. From shameful things said into the ears, and from shameful words and sights, we must keep away entirely. And we must keep far cleaner still of shameful deeds — on one side, from showing and uncovering parts of the body we ought not to uncover; on the other, from looking at what is forbidden. The son who had modesty could not bear to look at the righteous man’s shameful exposure, and modesty covered what drunkenness had uncovered — the spectacle of a lapse made in ignorance. No less must we keep clean in the words we utter; the ears of people who have believed in Christ ought to be shut to such words.

That, it seems to me, is why the Instructor does not let us say anything indecent: he is fortifying us against loose living at an early stage. He is always admirable at cutting out the roots of sins — “You shall not commit adultery,” by “You shall not crave.” For adultery is the fruit of craving, and craving is the evil root. In the same way here, the Instructor censures license in what we name, and by that he cuts off the loose conduct that excess leads to. Freedom with such names produces the wish to behave indecently; keeping modesty in what we name is a training in resisting lust. We have shown in a fuller treatment that there is nothing really obscene either in the names themselves, or in the parts of the body used in intercourse, or in the union of marriage, to which names not in ordinary use are given. For neither knee nor leg nor any other such part, nor the names given to them, nor what they do, is obscene. Even the genitals are to be looked at as things that call for modesty, not for shame. What is shameful is their unlawful use, and that deserves disgrace, reproach, and punishment. The only thing that is really shameful is wickedness and what is done through it. On that reasoning, talk about wicked deeds is rightly called foul speech — talk about adultery, about molesting children, and the like.

Idle chatter is to be silenced too. “In much speaking,” it says, “you will not escape sin.” So sins of the tongue will be punished. “There is a man who keeps quiet and is found wise, and there is a man who is hated for talking too much.” And more than that, the chatterer makes himself disgusting: “The one who multiplies words makes his own soul loathsome.”

Let us keep taunting away from us — the thing that starts insults, out of which quarrels, arguments, and hatreds break out. Insult, as we have said, is the servant of drunkenness. A man is judged not by his deeds alone but by his words. “At a banquet,” it says, “do not reprove your neighbor, and do not say a word of reproach to him.” For if we are told above all to keep company with holy people, taunting a holy person is a sin: “From the mouth of a fool,” says the Scripture, “comes a staff of insult” — “staff” meaning the prop that insult leans and rests on. That is why I admire the apostle, who on this very point urges us not to use “filthy talk or unsuitable words.” If the gatherings at festivals happen because of affection, and the point of a banquet is friendliness among the people who meet there, and food and drink go along with that affection, then surely the conversation ought to be carried on sensibly, and puzzling people with questions ought to be avoided out of that same affection. If we come together in order to increase our good will toward one another, why should we stir up hostility by taunting? It is better to be silent than to contradict and so add sin to ignorance. “Blessed,” truly, “is the man who has not made a slip with his mouth and has not been stabbed by the pain of sin” — or who has repented of what he said wrongly, or has spoken so as to wound no one. [l]

On the whole, young men and young women should stay away from such parties altogether, so that they do not slip into anything unsuitable. Things their ears are not used to, and sights that are not decent, set the mind on fire while the faith inside them is still unsteady; and the instability of their age works along with it, so that they are easily carried off by lust. Sometimes, too, they are the reason others stumble, by putting the dangerous charm of their youth on display. Wisdom seems to command it well: “Do not sit down at all with a married woman, and do not lean on your elbow at table beside her” — that is, do not dine or eat with her often. So he adds, “And do not keep company with her over wine, or your heart may lean toward her, and in your blood you may slide into ruin.” For the freedom drunkenness gives is dangerous and quick to seduce. And he says “a married woman” because the danger is greater for the man who is trying to break a marriage bond.

But if some necessity arises that requires married women to be present, let them be well covered — on the outside by their clothing, on the inside by modesty. As for unmarried women, it is the worst kind of scandal for them to be at a men’s banquet, especially where the men are under the influence of wine. And let the men keep their eyes on the couch, lean on their elbows without shifting about, and be present with their ears alone. If they sit, they should not cross their feet, or lay one thigh over the other, or put a hand to the chin. It is vulgar not to hold yourself up without a prop, and therefore a fault in a young man. And perpetually moving and changing position is a sign of a frivolous mind. It belongs to a self-controlled man, in eating and drinking as well, to take a small portion, and to take it deliberately rather than eagerly, both at the start and through the courses, and to stop early and so show that he is not attached to it. “Eat what is set before you like a human being,” it says. “Be the first to stop, for the sake of good order; and if you are seated among a number of people, do not put out your hand ahead of them.” You must never lunge forward out of greed; and however much you want it, you must not keep on reaching for a long time, owning up to an appetite you do not control by being the last to stop. In the middle of the meal you are not to put yourselves on show, hugging your food like wild animals, or helping yourselves to too much sauce — a human being is not by nature a sauce-eater but a bread-eater. A self-controlled man should also get up before the rest of the company and leave the party quietly. “When it is time to get up,” it says, “do not be the last; hurry home.”

The Twelve called the whole body of the disciples together and said, “It is not right for us to leave the word of God and wait on tables.” If they kept away from that, how much more did they keep away from gluttony. And the apostles themselves, writing to the brothers in Antioch and in Syria and Cilicia, said: “It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us to lay on you no other burden than these necessary things — to keep away from what has been offered to idols, from blood, from what has been strangled, and from sexual immorality. If you keep yourselves from these, you will do well.”

But we have to guard against drunkenness as we would against hemlock; both drag a man down to death. We must also check excessive laughter and excessive tears. People under the influence of wine often laugh too much and then, by some drunken impulse I cannot account for, are moved to tears — for both softness and violence are out of tune with the Word. Older people, looking on the young as children, may now and then — though only very rarely — be playful with them, joking with them to train them in good behavior. For example, in front of a shy and silent young man, one might say by way of pleasantry, “This son of mine” — meaning the one who says nothing — “never stops talking.” A joke like that heightens the young man’s modesty: it praises the good qualities that really belong to him, playfully, by blaming bad ones that do not. The device is instructive, since it confirms what is present by naming what is not. That is certainly what a man intends when he says that a water-drinker and a sober man is drunk and reeling. But when there are people who like to make fun of others, we should keep quiet and do without extra words, as we would do without extra cups. That kind of sport is dangerous.

“The mouth of the reckless man comes close to ruin.” “You shall not take up a false report, and you shall not join with an unjust man to be an unjust witness” — not in slanders, not in abusive speech, and much less in evil practices.

I should also think it right to set a limit on how much well-regulated people talk when someone draws them into conversation. “Silence is a woman’s excellence, and a safe prize for the young; but good speech belongs to experienced, mature age. Speak, old man, at a banquet, for it is fitting for you — but speak without embarrassment and with accurate knowledge. Young man, Wisdom gives you an order too: speak, if you must, hesitantly, and only when you have been asked twice; sum up what you have to say in a few words.” But both speakers should keep their talk in proportion. Shouting is downright insane, while an inaudible voice belongs to a man with no sense, since people will not hear him: the one is the mark of cowardice, the other of arrogance. Let contentiousness in words, for the sake of a useless victory, be banished; our aim is to be free of agitation. That is what the phrase “Peace to you” means. Do not answer a word before you have heard. A limp voice is the sign of a soft man, while a voice under control is the mark of a wise one, who keeps his speech from loudness, from drawling, from speed, from long-windedness. We ought not to speak long or much, and we ought not to speak frivolously; and we must not talk fast or recklessly. The voice itself, so to speak, should get its due. As for the loud and the noisy, they should be made to be quiet. That is why the wise Odysseus punished Thersites with blows:

“A talkative man is dreadful in his ruin.” It is with triflers as it is with old shoes: everything else is worn away by hard use, and the tongue alone is left — left for destruction. So Wisdom gives these most useful instructions: “Do not talk nonsense in a crowd of elders.” And then, rooting out frivolity, beginning with God, it lays down the rule for us this way: “Do not repeat your words in your prayer.”

Chirruping and whistling and snapping the fingers to call the household servants are irrational signals, and rational men should give them up. Frequent spitting, violent throat-clearing, and wiping your nose at a dinner party are to be avoided. Respect is certainly owed to the other guests, so that they do not turn away in disgust at filthiness that shows a lack of self-restraint. We are not to copy oxen and donkeys, whose manger and dung heap are in the same place — and yet many people wipe their noses and spit even while they are eating.

If someone is seized by a fit of sneezing, or by hiccups, he must not startle the people near him with the explosion and so prove his bad breeding. The hiccup is to be let out quietly along with the breath, the mouth kept in a becoming shape, not gaping and yawning like a tragic mask. The disturbance of hiccups can be avoided by breathing gently, and then the threatening pressure of the pocket of air will be dispersed in the most decent way, its escape managed so as to hide whatever the forced air may bring up with it. To want to add to these noises instead of reducing them is a sign of arrogance and disorder. People who scrape at their teeth until the gums bleed are unpleasant to themselves and disgusting to their neighbors. Scratching the ears and working up a sneeze are pig-like itches, and they keep company with unbridled sexual indulgence. Shameful sights, and shameful talk about them, are both to be avoided. Let the look be steady; let the turn and movement of the neck, and the motions of the hands in conversation, be decent. In a word, the Christian is marked by composure, quietness, calm, and peace.