Homily 20 — Ephesians 5, verses 22 to 33

“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, being himself the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their husbands in everything.” [a]

A certain wise man, setting down a number of things among the blessings of life, set this down too as a blessing: “a wife who agrees with her husband” (Sirach 25, verse 1). And elsewhere he again counts it among the blessings that a woman should live in harmony with her husband (Sirach 40, verse 23). And indeed, from the beginning God seems to have taken special care over this union. Speaking of the two as one, he said, “Male and female he created them” (Genesis 1, verse 27); and again, “There is neither male nor female” (Galatians 3, verse 28). For there is no relationship between one human being and another so close as that between husband and wife, if they are joined together as they should be. That is why a certain blessed man too, when he wanted to express a love beyond all others, and was mourning for someone dear to him, someone of one soul with him, did not mention father, or mother, or child, or brother, or friend. What, then, did he mention?

“Your love to me was wonderful,” he says, “surpassing the love of women” (Second Samuel 1, verse 26). For truly, in very truth, this love rules us more absolutely than any absolute ruler. Other loves may be strong, but this passion is not only strong; it never fades. For there is a love set deep in our nature which, without our noticing, knits these bodies of ours together. That is why, from the very beginning, woman came from man, and afterward from man and woman came both man and woman. Do you see the close bond and connection? And how God did not allow a nature of a different kind to come in from outside? [b]

And notice how many arrangements he made in his providence. He allowed the man to marry his own sister — or rather, not his sister, but his daughter; no, not even his daughter, but something more than his daughter: his own flesh. And so he formed the whole from one beginning, gathering everything together into one, like stones in a building. On the one hand, he did not form her from outside, so that the man would not feel toward her as toward a stranger. On the other hand, he did not confine marriage to her, so that she would not draw in on herself, make everything center on herself, and be cut off from the rest.

It is like plants. The best of all are those that have a single trunk and spread out into many branches. If everything were confined to the root alone, it would all come to nothing; and if, again, the tree had many roots, it would no longer be worth admiring. So, I say, it is here too. From one man, Adam, he made the whole race spring, and by the strongest necessity kept them from ever being torn apart or separated. And afterward, narrowing it, he no longer allowed sisters and daughters to be wives, so that we would not, on the other side, draw our love in to one point and so be cut off from one another in another way. That is why Christ said, “He who made them from the beginning made them male and female” (Matthew 19, verse 4).

For from this come great evils, and great blessings, both to families and to states. There is nothing that welds our life together so closely as the love of husband and wife. For its sake many will even lay down their arms; for its sake they will give up life itself. And Paul would never have spent so much effort on this subject without reason and without purpose, as he does when he says here, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” And why so? Because when they are in harmony, the children are well brought up, the household servants are in good order, and neighbors, friends and relatives enjoy the fragrance of it. But if it is otherwise, everything is turned upside down and thrown into confusion. When the generals of an army are at peace with one another, everything falls into its proper order; but if they are at odds, everything is turned upside down. So, I say, it is here too. That is why he says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

And yet — how strange! How is it, then, that it is said elsewhere, “If anyone does not bid farewell both to wife and to husband, he cannot follow me” (Luke 14, verse 26)? For if it is their duty to be subject “as to the Lord,” how does he say that they must leave them for the Lord’s sake? It is their duty indeed, their binding duty. But the word “as” does not always and necessarily express exact equality. Either he means, “as knowing that you are servants of the Lord” — which, by the way, is what he says elsewhere: that even if they do not do it for the husband’s sake, they must do it first of all for the Lord’s sake — or else he means, “When you obey your husband, do it as one serving the Lord.” For if the one who resists these outside authorities — governments, I mean — “resists the ordinance of God” (Romans 13, verse 2), much more does the wife who does not submit to her husband. Such was God’s will from the beginning. [d]

So let us lay this down as our foundation: the husband holds the place of the “head,” and the wife the place of the “body.”

Verses 23 and 24: Next he gives his reasons, and says that “the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, being himself the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their husbands in everything.”

So after saying, “The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is of the church,” he adds further, “and he is the Savior of the body.” For the head is indeed the body’s safety and health. He had already laid down beforehand, for husband and wife, the ground of their love and the provision for it, assigning to each their proper place: to the one, authority and forethought; to the other, submission. So as “the church” — that is, husbands and wives alike — “is subject to Christ, so also you wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as to God.”

Verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church.”

You have heard how great the submission is. You have praised Paul and marveled at him — how, like the wonderful and spiritual man he is, he welds our whole life together. You did well. But now hear what he requires of you as well; for again he uses the same example.

“Husbands,” he says, “love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church.”

You have seen the measure of obedience; now hear the measure of love. Do you want your wife to be obedient to you, as the church is to Christ? Then take the same care for her that Christ takes for the church. Yes, even if you must give your life for her, yes, even be cut to pieces ten thousand times, yes, endure and undergo any suffering whatever — do not refuse it. Even if you undergo all this, you will not, no, not even then, have done anything like what Christ did. For you are doing it for one to whom you are already joined; but he did it for one who turned her back on him and hated him. So in the same way that he laid at his feet the one who turned her back on him, who hated, spurned and disdained him — not by threats, or violence, or terror, or anything of the kind, but by his tireless affection — so you too must behave toward your wife. Yes, even if you see her looking down on you, disdaining and scorning you, you will be able to lay her at your feet by your great thoughtfulness for her, by affection, by kindness. For there are no bonds more powerful to hold someone than these, and especially for husband and wife.

A servant one might perhaps be able to bind by fear — though not even him, for he will soon slip away and be gone. But the partner of your life, the mother of your children, the foundation of your every joy, you must never chain down by fear and threats, but by love and a kindly temper. For what kind of union is it where the wife trembles before her husband? And what kind of pleasure will the husband himself enjoy, if he lives with his wife as with a slave, and not as with a free woman? Yes, even if you suffer something on her account, do not reproach her; for Christ did not do so either.

Verse 26: “And gave himself up for it,” he says, “that he might make it holy and cleanse it.” [e]

So she was unclean! So she had blemishes, so she was ugly, so she was worthless! Whatever kind of wife you take, you will never take such a bride as the church was when Christ took her, nor one so far removed from you as the church was from Christ. And yet, for all that, he did not recoil from her or loathe her for her extreme ugliness. Do you want to hear her ugliness described? Hear what Paul says: “For you were once darkness” (Ephesians 5, verse 8). Did you see the blackness of her color? What is blacker than darkness? But look again at her brazenness: “living,” he says, “in malice and envy” (Titus 3, verse 3). Look again at her impurity: “disobedient, foolish.” But what am I saying? She was both foolish and evil-tongued. And yet, though her blemishes were so many, he gave himself up for her in her ugliness, as for one in the bloom of youth, as for one dearly loved, as for one of wonderful beauty. It was in wonder at this that Paul said, “For scarcely for a righteous man will one die” (Romans 5, verse 7); and again, “in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5, verse 8). And though she was like this, he took her, clothed her in beauty, washed her, and did not refuse even this: to give himself for her.

Verses 26 and 27: “That he might make it holy, having cleansed it,” he goes on, “by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish.” [f]

“By the washing,” or the font, he washes away her uncleanness. “With the word,” he says. What word? “In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 28, verse 19). And he has not simply adorned her; he has made her “glorious, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing.” So let us too seek this beauty ourselves, and we will be able to create it.

Do not ask of your wife things she has no power to have. Do you see that the church received everything at her Lord’s hands? By him she was made glorious, by him made pure, by him made without blemish. Do not turn your back on your wife because she is plain. Hear the Scripture that says, “The bee is small among flying creatures, but her fruit is the chief of sweet things” (Sirach 11, verse 3). She is of God’s making. You are not reproaching her, but him who made her. What can the woman do about it? Do not praise her for her beauty. Praise and hatred and love that rest on looks belong to undisciplined souls. Seek beauty of soul. Imitate the Bridegroom of the church.

Outward beauty is full of conceit and much looseness; it throws men into jealousy, and it often makes you suspect monstrous things. But does it bring any pleasure? For the first month or the second, perhaps, or at most for a year; but after that, no longer. Familiarity wears the admiration away. Meanwhile the evils that came from the beauty remain: the pride, the folly, the contempt for others. In a wife who is not like that, there is nothing of the kind. Love that began on right grounds stays ardent, because its object is beauty of soul, not of body.

Tell me, what is lovelier than the heavens? What is lovelier than the stars? Name any body you like, there is none so fair. Name any eyes you like, there are none so sparkling. When these were created, the very angels gazed in wonder, and we gaze in wonder now; yet not to the same degree as at first. Such is familiarity: things do not strike us to the same degree. How much more is this so with a wife! And if disease comes as well, everything is gone at once.

Let us look in a wife for affection, a modest mind, gentleness; these are the marks of beauty. But let us not look for loveliness of person, nor reproach her in things over which she has no power. No, rather, let us not reproach her at all — that would be ill-bred — nor be impatient with her, nor sullen. Do you not see how many who lived with beautiful wives have ended their lives miserably, and how many who lived with wives of no great beauty have gone on to extreme old age with great happiness? Let us wipe off the “spot” that is within, let us smooth out the “wrinkles” that are within, let us do away with the “blemishes” that are on the soul. That is the beauty God requires. Let us make her beautiful in God’s sight, not in our own.

Let us not look for wealth, nor for that high birth which is outward, but for the true nobility that is in the soul. Let no one stoop to getting rich through a wife; such riches are base and shameful. No, by no means let anyone seek to get rich from this source. “For those who want to be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and harmful cravings, and into ruin and destruction” (First Timothy 6, verse 9). So do not look for a great fortune in your wife, and you will find everything else goes well. Tell me, who would neglect the most important things to attend to lesser ones? And yet, alas, this is how we feel in every case. If we have a son, we do not concern ourselves with how he may become virtuous, but with how we may find him a rich wife; not how he may be well-mannered, but how he may be well-moneyed. If we carry on a business, we do not ask how it may be free of sin, but how it may bring us the most profit. Everything has become money. And so everything is corrupted and ruined, because that passion has taken hold of us.

Verse 28: “Even so ought husbands to love their own wives,” he says, “as their own bodies.”

What does this mean, again? He has moved to a much greater comparison and a stronger example — and not only that, but to one much nearer and clearer — and to a new ground of obligation. For that other example did not press very hard, since the one in question was Christ, and was God, and gave himself. Now he builds his argument on a different ground, saying, “So ought men,” because the thing is not a favor but a debt. Then: “as their own bodies.” And why?

Verse 29: “For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.”

That is, he looks after it with great care. And how is she his flesh? Listen: “This now is bone of my bones,” Adam says, “and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2, verse 23). For she was made from matter taken from us. And not only that, but also, “they will be,” God says, “one flesh” (Genesis 2, verse 24).

“Even as Christ also the church.” Here he returns to the former example.

Verse 30: “Because we are members of his body, of his flesh and of his bones.”

Verse 31: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Here again is a third ground of obligation. For he shows that a man leaves those who begot him, from whom he was born, and is joined to his wife; and that then father and mother and child are one flesh, from the substance of the two mingled together. For the child is produced by the mingling of their seed, so that the three are one flesh. That is how we stand in relation to Christ: we become one flesh with him by sharing, and we much more than the child. And why, and how so? Because it has been so from the beginning.

Do not tell me that she is like this or like that. Do you not see that we have many defects in our own flesh itself? One man, for instance, is lame; another has twisted feet; another withered hands; another some other limb that is weak. And yet he does not grieve over it or cut it off, but often even prefers it to the other. Naturally enough, for it is part of himself. As great a love as each one has for himself, so great a love he wants us to have for a wife. Not because we share the same nature — no, this ground of duty toward a wife is far greater than that: it is that there are not two bodies but one, he the head and she the body.

And how does he say elsewhere, “and the head of Christ is God” (First Corinthians 11, verse 3)? I say this too: that as we are one body, so also Christ and the Father are one. And so the Father too is found to be our head. He sets down two examples, that of the natural body and that of Christ’s body. And that is why he adds further:

Verse 32: “This is a great mystery; but I speak in regard to Christ and the church.”

Why does he call it a great mystery? That it was something great and wonderful, blessed Moses — or rather God — had hinted. For the present, however, he says, “I speak in regard to Christ”: that having left the Father, he came down, and came to the Bride, and became one spirit. “For he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit” (First Corinthians 6, verse 17). And well does he say, “It is a great mystery.” Then, as though he were saying, “But even so, the allegory does not do away with affection,” he adds, in verse 33: “Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself; and let the wife see that she fears her husband.”

For truly, in very truth, a mystery it is — yes, a great mystery — that a man should leave the one who gave him being, who begot him and brought him up, and her who was in labor with him and suffered pain; those who have given him so many and such great benefits, those he has lived with so closely; and be joined to one he has never even seen and who has nothing in common with him, and should honor her above all others. A mystery indeed! And yet the parents are not distressed when these things happen, but rather when they do not; and they are delighted when their wealth is spent and poured out on it. A great mystery indeed, and one that holds some hidden wisdom! Moses showed in prophecy that it was so from the very first; and so Paul now proclaims it, when he says, “concerning Christ and the church.”

However, it is not for the husband’s sake alone that this is said, but for the wife’s sake also: that “he cherish her as his own flesh, as Christ also the church,” and “that the wife fear her husband.” He is no longer setting down the duties of love only, but what? “That she fear her husband.” The wife is a second authority. So let her not demand equality, for she is under the head; and let him not despise her as being subject to him, for she is the body; and if the head despises the body, it will itself perish too. Let him bring love on his side as a counterweight to obedience on hers. For example, let the hands and the feet and all the other members be given over to serve the head, but let the head provide for the body, since it holds every sense within itself. Nothing can be better than this union.

Someone may say, “And yet how can there ever be love where there is fear?” It will be there, I say, above all. For she who fears and respects him also loves him; and she who loves him fears and respects him as the head, and loves him as a member, since the head itself is a member of the body as a whole. That is why he places the one under authority and the other in authority: so that there may be peace. For where authority is equal there can never be peace — neither where a household is a democracy, nor where everyone rules. The ruling power must of necessity be one. And this is true everywhere in matters that concern the body, since when people are spiritual, there will be peace. There were “five thousand souls,” and not one of them said “that any of the things he possessed was his own” (Acts 4, verse 32); but they were subject to one another — a sign of wisdom and of the fear of God. [h]

The reason for love, however, he explains; the reason for fear he does not. And notice how he enlarges on love, setting out the arguments drawn from Christ and those drawn from one’s own flesh, and the words, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother” (verse 31); whereas on the arguments drawn from fear he holds back from enlarging. And why so? Because he wants this principle, the principle of love, to prevail above all. For where love exists, everything else follows as a matter of course; but where the other exists, not necessarily. The man who loves his wife, even if she is not a very obedient one, will still bear with everything. So difficult and so impossible is oneness of mind where people are not bound together by that love which holds the highest authority; fear, at any rate, will not necessarily bring it about. That is why he dwells more on this, the strong tie. And the wife, though she seems to be the loser in being charged to fear, is the gainer, because the chief duty, love, is laid on the husband.

Someone may say, “But what if my wife does not respect me?” Never mind that. You are to love; fulfill your own duty. For even if what others owe us does not follow, we ought of course to do our own duty. Here is an example of what I mean. He says, “submitting yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ.” What then if the other person does not submit? Still, you obey the law of God. So it is, I say, here too. Let the wife at least, even if she is not loved, still respect her husband all the same, so that no blame may lie at her door; and let the husband, even if his wife does not respect him, still show her love all the same, so that he himself may fall short in nothing. For each has received his own part.

This, then, is marriage when it takes place according to Christ: a spiritual marriage, and a spiritual birth, not of blood, nor of labor pains, nor of the will of the flesh. Such was the birth of Christ, not of blood, nor of labor pains. Such also was the birth of Isaac. Listen to how the Scripture puts it: “And the way of women had ceased for Sarah” (Genesis 18, verse 11). Yes, it is a marriage, not of passion, nor of the flesh, but wholly spiritual: the soul united to God by a union beyond words, which he alone knows. That is why he says, “He who is joined to the Lord is one spirit” (First Corinthians 6, verse 17). See how earnestly he works to unite both flesh with flesh and spirit with spirit. [k]

And where are the heretics now? If marriage were something to be condemned, he would surely never have called Christ and the church a bridegroom and a bride. He would never have brought forward, to encourage us, the words, “A man will leave his father and his mother,” and then added that they were spoken “of Christ and of the church.” For it is of her that the Psalmist also says, “Listen, O daughter, and consider, and turn your ear; forget your own people and your father’s house. So will the king desire your beauty” (Psalm 45, verses 10 and 11). That is also why Christ says, “I came out from the Father, and have come” (John 16, verse 28). But when I say that he left the Father, do not imagine anything like what happens among people, a change of place. Just as the words “came out” are used, not because he literally went out, but because he took flesh, so also is the expression “he left the Father.”

Now why did he not also say of the wife, “She will be joined to her husband”? Why is that, I ask? Because he was speaking about love, and speaking to the husband. To her he speaks about reverence, and says, “The husband is the head of the wife” (verse 23), and again, “Christ is the head of the church.” But to him he speaks about love. He entrusts this charge of love to him, and sets before him what belongs to love, and in this way binds him and cements him to her. For the man who leaves his father for his wife’s sake, and then leaves this very wife and abandons her — what leniency can he deserve? [o]

Do you not see how great a share of honor God wants her to enjoy, since he has taken you away from your father and joined you to her? “What, then, if we do our part and she does not follow our example?” “But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; the brother or the sister is not bound in such cases” (First Corinthians 7, verse 15).

However, when you hear of “fear,” ask for the fear that befits a free woman, not as though you were demanding it of a slave. She is your own body, and if you do that, you disgrace yourself by dishonoring your own body. And what kind of “fear” is this? It is not talking back, not rebelling, not loving to be first. It is enough that fear be kept within these limits. But if you love her, as you are commanded, you will make it greater still. Or rather, you will no longer be doing it by fear; love itself will do its work. Women are somehow the weaker sex, and need much support, much stooping down to meet them. [p]

But what will those say who are joined in second marriages? I do not say this at all to condemn them — far from it. The apostle himself permits them, though only as a concession.

Provide her with everything. Do everything and endure trouble for her sake. The obligation is laid on you.

Here he does not think it right to introduce his advice, as he does in many cases, with examples from outside. The example of Christ, so great and so forceful, was enough by itself, especially where subjection is concerned. “A man will leave,” he says, “his father and mother.” Look, this much is from outside. But he does not say “and will live with,” but “will cling to,” showing the closeness of the union and the warmth of the love. And he is not content even with this. By what he adds next, he explains the subjection in such a way that the two no longer appear to be two. He does not say “one spirit,” he does not say “one soul” (for that is obvious, and possible for anyone), but “one flesh.”

She is a second authority. She does have authority, and a considerable equality of dignity, but the husband still has a certain superiority. In this, above all, lies the well-being of the household. He took that earlier argument, the example of Christ, to show that we must not only love but also govern: “so that she may be,” he says, “holy and without blemish.” But the word “flesh” has to do with love, and the words “will cling” likewise have to do with love. For if you make her “holy and without blemish,” everything else will follow. Seek the things of God, and the things of men will follow easily enough. Govern your wife, and so the whole household will be in harmony. Listen to what Paul says: “And if they want to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home” (First Corinthians 14, verse 35). If we order our own houses in this way, we will also be fit to manage the church. For a house is a little church. So it is possible for us, by becoming good husbands and wives, to surpass everyone else.

Think of Abraham, and Sarah, and Isaac, and the three hundred and eighteen born in his house (Genesis 14, verse 14). How the whole household was knit together in harmony! How all of it was full of godliness and fulfilled the apostle’s command! She “reverenced her husband”; listen to her own words: “It has not yet happened to me until now, and my lord is old too” (Genesis 18, verse 12). And he in turn loved her so much that he obeyed her instructions in everything. The boy was good, and the servants born in the house were so excellent that they did not refuse even to risk their lives with their master; they did not hang back or ask the reason. One of them, the chief servant, was so admirable that he was even entrusted with the marriage of the only son, and with a journey into a foreign country (Genesis 24, verses 1 to 67). [r]

Think of a general whose army is well ordered: the enemy finds no point to attack. It is the same here, I say. When husband and wife and children and servants all care about the same things, the harmony of the house is great. Where this is not the case, the whole is often overturned and broken up by one bad servant; that single one will often spoil and utterly destroy everything.

Let us, then, take great care of our wives, our children and our servants, knowing that in this way we will be setting up an easy rule for ourselves, that our accounting for them will be gentle and mild, and that we will say, “Here am I, and the children God has given me” (Isaiah 8, verse 18). If the husband commands respect, and the head is honorable, the rest of the body will suffer no violence. [s]

What the wife’s proper conduct is, and what the husband’s, he states precisely: he charges her to reverence him as her head, and him to love her as his wife. “But how can these things be?” That they ought to be, he has proved. How they can be, I will tell you. They will be, if we despise money, if we look to one thing only, goodness of soul, and if we keep the fear of God before our eyes. For what he says in speaking to slaves — “whatever good or evil anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Ephesians 6, verse 8) — holds here too. Love her, then, not so much for her own sake as for Christ’s. He hints at as much when he says, “as to the Lord.” So do everything as in obedience to the Lord, and as doing it all for his sake. That would be enough to move and persuade us, and to allow no nagging or quarreling.

Let no one be believed who slanders the husband to his wife. Nor let the husband believe anything at random against his wife, nor let the wife pry without reason into his goings out and his comings in. And let the husband never, on any account, make himself deserving of any suspicion at all. For what, tell me — if you give the whole day to your friends and the evening to your wife, will you even so be able to satisfy her and put her beyond suspicion? Even if your wife complains, do not be annoyed. It is her love, not her folly. These are the complaints of warm attachment, of burning affection, and of fear. Yes, she is afraid that someone has stolen her marriage bed, that someone has wronged her in what is the height of her blessings, that someone has taken from her the one who is her head, that someone has broken into her marriage chamber.

There is another cause of petty jealousy too. Let neither of you demand too much service from the servants — neither the husband from the maidservant, nor the wife from the manservant. These things, too, are enough to breed suspicion. Consider, I say, that righteous household I spoke of. Sarah herself told the patriarch to take Hagar. She arranged it herself; no one forced her, and her husband did not attempt it. No, although he had dragged on through so long a time without children, he chose never to become a father rather than grieve his wife. And yet even after all this, what did Sarah say? “The Lord judge between me and you” (Genesis 16, verse 5). Now, I ask you, if it had been anyone else, would he not have been moved to anger? Would he not have raised his hand too, and said something like this: “What do you mean? I had no wish to have anything to do with the woman. It was all your own doing, and now you turn around and accuse me?” [u]

But no, he says nothing of the kind. What then? “Look, your maid is in your hand; do to her whatever is good in your eyes” (Genesis 16, verse 6). He handed over the partner of his bed so as not to grieve Sarah. And surely nothing is stronger than this for producing affection. If sharing the same table makes even robbers of one mind toward their enemies — and the Psalmist says, “You who ate sweet food at the same table with me” — how much more will becoming one flesh, for that is what sharing a bed is, have power to draw us together! Yet none of these things could overcome him. He handed Hagar over to his wife, to show that nothing had been done through any fault of his. What is more, he sent her away while she was pregnant. Who would not have pitied a woman carrying his own child? Yet the righteous man was unmoved, for he put the love he owed his wife before everything else.

Let us, then, imitate him ourselves. Let no one reproach his neighbor for his poverty; let no one be in love with money; and then all our difficulties will be at an end. [v]

Nor let a wife say to her husband: “You spineless coward, full of laziness and dullness, and fast asleep! Here is so-and-so, a common man of common birth, who takes his risks and makes his voyages and has made a fine fortune. His wife wears her jewels and goes out with her pair of milk-white mules; she rides about everywhere, she has troops of slaves and a swarm of eunuchs. But you have shrunk into a corner and live to no purpose.” Let a wife not say these things, or anything like them. She is the body, not to give orders to the head, but to submit and obey.

“But how is she to put up with poverty? Where is she to look for comfort?” Let her pick out those who are poorer still and set them beside herself. Let her consider, again, how many noble and high-born girls have not only received nothing from their husbands but have even given them dowries and spent everything they had on them. Let her think about the dangers that come with riches like that, and she will cling to this quiet life. In short, if she has affection for her husband, she will say nothing of the kind. She will much rather have him near her, earning nothing, than earning ten thousand talents of gold with all the worry and anxiety that those long voyages always bring to wives.

But when the husband hears these things, let him not, on the ground that he holds the supreme authority, turn to abuse and blows. Let him urge her, let him warn her, as one less mature; let him persuade her with reasons. Let him never once lift his hand — far be that from a noble spirit — nor use insults, or taunts, or abuse. Let him guide and direct her as one lacking in wisdom. [w]

But how is this to be done? If she is taught about the true riches, about the heavenly philosophy, she will make no complaints like these. So let him teach her that poverty is no evil. Let him teach her not only by what he says but also by what he does. Let him teach her to despise glory, and then his wife will talk of nothing and desire nothing of that kind.

Let him treat her like a statue handed to him to shape. From the very evening he first receives her into the bridal chamber, let him teach her self-control, gentleness, and how to live, throwing down the love of money at once, from the start, from the very threshold. Let him train her in wisdom, and advise her never to have bits of gold hanging from her ears and down her cheeks and laid around her neck, or stored up about the room, and never to have golden and costly clothes laid by. Let her room be handsome, but do not let what is handsome sink into finery. No, leave these things to the people of the stage. Furnish your house yourself with every kind of neatness, so that it breathes good sense rather than much perfume.

This will bring two or three good results. First, the bride will not be upset when the rooms are opened and the fabrics, the gold ornaments and the silver vessels are sent back to their various owners. Next, the bridegroom will have no worry about losses, or about keeping the piled-up treasures safe. Third, and this is the crown of all these benefits, by these very things he will be showing his own mind: that he takes no pleasure in any of these things, that he will put an end to everything else that goes with them, and that he will never so much as allow dances or indecent songs.

I know I will perhaps seem ridiculous to many for giving such advice. Still, if you will only listen to me, then as time goes on and the benefit of the practice comes to you, you will understand its value. The laughter will pass, and you will laugh at the present fashion instead, and see that what is done now is truly the behavior of silly children and drunken men. What I recommend belongs to sobriety and wisdom and the highest way of life.

What, then, do I say we should do? Take away from weddings all those shameful, those satanic, those indecent songs, those gangs of dissolute young people, and this will be enough to temper your bride’s spirit. At once she will reason with herself like this: “How wonderful! What a philosopher this man is! He counts the present life as nothing. He has brought me into his house to be a mother, to bring up his children, to manage his household.” “Yes, but these things are unwelcome to a bride.” For the first day or two, perhaps, but not afterward. No, she will even get the greatest delight from them, and be free of all suspicion. A man who cannot stand flute players, or dancers, or broken songs, and that at the very time of his wedding, will hardly ever bring himself to do or say anything shameful.

And then, when you have stripped the wedding of all these things, take her and form and mold her carefully. Encourage her shyness for a good length of time, and do not destroy it suddenly. Even if the girl is very bold, she will keep silent for a while, out of reverence for her husband and because she feels herself new to her situation. So do not break off this reserve too quickly, as unchaste husbands do, but encourage it for a long time. This will be a great advantage to you. Meanwhile she will not complain; she will not find fault with any laws you may make for her. So during that time, while shame, like a kind of bridle laid on the soul, does not let her murmur or complain about what is done, lay down all your laws. For as soon as she becomes bold, she will overturn and confuse everything without any sense of fear. When, then, is there another time so favorable for shaping a wife as the time when she reverences her husband and is still timid and still shy? Lay down all your laws for her then, and willing or unwilling, she will certainly obey them.

But how will you avoid spoiling her modesty? By showing her that you are no less modest than she is, speaking few words to her, and those with great seriousness and composure. Then entrust her with the teachings of wisdom, for her soul will receive them. And settle her in that loveliest habit, I mean modesty.

If you like, I will also tell you, as a sample, what sort of language should be used with her. If Paul did not shrink from saying, “Do not deprive one another” (First Corinthians 7, verse 5), and spoke the language of a bride’s attendant — or rather not of a bride’s attendant, but of a spiritual soul — much less will we shrink from speaking. What, then, is the language we ought to use with her? With great tenderness we may say to her: “I have taken you, my child, to be the partner of my life, and have brought you in to share with me in the closest and most honorable things: my children, and the management of my house. And what advice shall I give you now?”

But first, rather, talk to her about your love for her. Nothing so helps persuade a listener to take what is said sincerely to heart as being sure that it is said with warm affection. How, then, are you to show that affection? By saying: “When I could have married many women, both richer and of noble family, I did not choose to. I fell in love with you, and with your beautiful way of life, your modesty, your gentleness, and your sound mind.”

Then straight away, from these beginnings, open the way to your talk about true wisdom, and in a roundabout way speak out against riches. If you aim your argument at riches directly, you will bear too heavily on her; but if you do it by seizing an occasion, you will succeed completely. You will seem to be explaining yourself, not acting like a sour sort of person, ungracious and fussy about trifles. And when you take the occasion from what concerns her, she will even be pleased. So you will say — for I must now take up the speech again — “Though I might have married a rich woman with a good fortune, I could not bear to. And why? Not on a whim, or without reason. I was taught well and truly that money is no real possession but a most contemptible thing, a thing that belongs just as much to thieves, and to prostitutes, and to grave robbers. So I gave these things up, and kept on until I found the goodness of your soul, which I value above all gold. For a young girl who is sensible and noble-minded, and whose heart is set on godliness, is worth the whole world. For these reasons I sought you, and I love you, and I prefer you to my own soul. For the present life is nothing. And I pray, and plead, and do everything I can, that we may be counted worthy to live this present life in such a way that there, in the world to come, we may also be united to one another in perfect safety. For our time here is short and fleeting. But if by pleasing God we are counted worthy to exchange this life for that one, then we will always be with Christ and with each other, with far greater joy. I value your affection above everything, and nothing is so bitter or so painful to me as ever to be at odds with you. Yes, even if it should be my lot to lose everything, and to become poorer than Irus, and to face the worst dangers, and to suffer any pain whatever, all of it will be bearable and endurable as long as your heart is true toward me. And my children will be dearest to me while you are affectionate toward me. But you too must do these duties.”

Then mix into your talk the apostle’s words too: “This is how God wants our affections blended together. Listen to the Scripture, which says, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife.’ Let us have no excuse for narrow-minded jealousy. Let riches perish, and trains of slaves, and all your outward show. To me this is worth more than all of them.”

What weight of gold, what amount of treasure, is as dear to a wife as these words? Never fear that because she is loved she will ever rage at you; admit that you love her. Courtesans, who attach themselves now to one man and now to another, might well feel contempt for their lovers if they heard words like these. But a free-born wife, a well-born girl, would never be affected that way by such words. No, she will be won over all the more.

Show her too that you set a high value on her company, and that you would rather be at home for her sake than in the marketplace. Esteem her above all your friends, and above the children she has borne you, and love those very children for her sake. If she does something good, praise it and admire it. If she does something foolish, such as girls may happen to do, advise her and remind her. Condemn riches and extravagance outright, and gently point out the beauty there is in neatness and in modesty, and keep on teaching her what is good for her.

Pray together. Let each of you go to church, and at home let the husband ask his wife, and she in turn ask her husband, about what was said and read there. If poverty should overtake you, point to those holy men Paul and Peter. They were more honored than any kings or rich men, and yet think how they spent their lives — in hunger and in thirst. Teach her that there is nothing in life to be feared except offending God. If anyone marries in this way, with these aims, he will be only a little below the monks; the married will be only a little below the unmarried. [aa]

If you want to give dinners and hold entertainments, let there be nothing immodest and nothing disorderly. If you should find some poor holy man who is able to bless your house — able, just by setting foot in it, to bring in the whole blessing of God — invite him.

And shall I say something more? Let none of you make it his aim to marry a rich woman; much rather marry a poor one. When a rich wife comes in, she will not bring as much pleasure from her riches as she will bring annoyance: from her taunts, from her demanding more than she brought, from her insolence, her extravagance, her galling words. Perhaps she will say: “I have not spent anything of yours yet. I am still wearing my own clothes, bought with what my parents set aside for me.” What are you saying, woman? Still wearing your own! What could be more miserable than such talk? Why, you no longer have a body of your own — and do you have money of your own? After marriage the two of you are no longer two, but have become one flesh — and are your possessions then two, and not one? Oh, this love of money! You have both become one person, one living being, and do you still say “my own”? It is a cursed and abominable word, and it was brought in by the devil. Things far closer and dearer to us than these God has made common to us all — and are these not to be common? We cannot say “my own light, my own sun, my own water.” All our greater blessings are shared — and are riches not to be shared? Let riches perish ten thousand times over! Or rather, not the riches, but those dispositions that do not know how to use riches and value them above everything.

Teach her these lessons too, along with the rest, but with much graciousness. The call to virtue has much that is stern in it, especially for a young and tender girl; so whenever you speak to her of true wisdom, see that your manner is full of grace and kindness. Above all, drive this notion of “mine and yours” out of her soul. If she says the word “mine,” say to her: “What things do you call yours? Really, I do not know. For my part, I have nothing of my own. How then can you speak of ‘mine,’ when everything is yours?” Freely give her the word. Do you not see that this is what we do with children? When we are holding something and a child snatches it, and then wants to get hold of something else as well, we let it, and say, “Yes, this is yours, and that is yours too.” Let us do the same with a wife, for her temper is more or less like a child’s. If she says “mine,” say: “Why, everything is yours, and I am yours.” This is not flattery; it is great wisdom. In this way you will be able to calm her anger and put an end to her disappointment. For flattery is when a man does something unworthy with an evil aim, whereas this is the highest philosophy. So say: “Even I am yours, my child. Paul gives me this advice when he says, ‘The husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does’ (First Corinthians 7, verse 4). If I have no authority over my own body, but you do, much more do you have authority over my possessions.” By saying these things you will have calmed her, you will have quenched the fire, you will have put the devil to shame. You will have made her more your slave than one bought with money; with this language you will have bound her fast. So by your own words teach her never to speak of “mine and yours.”

And again, never call her simply by her name, but with terms of endearment, with honor, with much love. Honor her, and she will not need honor from others; she will not want the glory that comes from others if she enjoys the glory that comes from you. Prefer her above everyone, on every account, both for her beauty and for her good sense, and praise her. In this way you will persuade her to pay no attention to anyone outside, but to think nothing of all the world except you.

Teach her the fear of God, and all good things will flow from it as from a fountain, and the house will be full of ten thousand blessings. If we seek the things that do not decay, these things that decay will follow. “Seek first his kingdom,” he says, “and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6, verse 33). What sort of people, do you think, will the children of such parents be? What sort the servants of such masters? What sort everyone else who comes near them? Will they not also, in time, be loaded with countless blessings? For as a rule the servants too have their characters formed after their masters’. They are shaped after their moods, they love the same things they have been taught to love, they speak the same language, and they share the same pursuits.

If we order our lives in this way, and study the Scriptures attentively, we will learn from them in most things. And so we will be able to please God, to pass through the whole of this present life in virtue, and to attain the good things promised to those who love him. May we all be found worthy of them, by the grace and love for humankind of our Lord Jesus Christ, with whom, together with the Holy Spirit, be glory, power, and honor to the Father, now and always, and through all the ages. Amen.